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May. 16th, 2009

4 months later

Its been a hard 4 months, I have since given up going to the human rights tribunal to lodge a complaint about my ex boss

@ the shipping company, its a bit of a long story but I was just getting the run around essentially from the govt agencys that

handle these sort of things I was getting refered all over, first I was told to go to the human rights board, by ei, then I was told by the labor board I actually needed to talk to the human rights commission, that in turn told me I needed to talk to the human

rights tribunal & then in the 1st week of april was finally contacted by the human rights tribunal refering me back to the commission, I felt that my treatment from those agencys was worst then the actual crime itself.

I finally got a job at a alarm company that started me off as parttime during the day. & has since gone to almost ft 3 overnights a week 12 hr shifts, before my job training was up I continued to work my pt seasonal job @ H&R block until the end of tax season (april 30) I made some good friends at H&R block, and I doubt I will return to work there next tax season, b/c i really didn't like the work, I did quite like them & they were a good bunch of pple I worked with in the smaller esquimalt office ( I hated working for the main branch office too stressful) Me & my long term platonic friend Brent went to the end of season brunch they had, the food was really good, however I found it dumb that the place they held it at charged for pop & juice, (Brent had to pay for his pop) I ended up sticking to coffee. I like inviting my friend Brent to these work get togethers, b/c I then be able to treat him to a free meal & have someone none work related to talk to, b/c I usually not "cool" enough to be in the loop conversations. Brent probably finds theses meals boring, but has never complained & always usually says yes to going. alot of pple generally get the wrong idea about me & Brent, were just really good friends, & had never had any sort of romantic feelings about him.

Brent is a very good friend, & has put up with me, something alot of previous friends couldn't do, I'm just hard to be friends with I tend to be hard on the pple I love & push them away. I'm trying very hard not to be this way. & I think alot of the past problems was mostly me. I don't really miss my 1st ex roommmate from Medicine Hat, we both contributed to the ending of our friendship & I have no reason to ever talk to her again. My other friend Patrick I still feel reallly bad about, I mostly felt that our friendship revolved around what he wanted to do & never took my feelings seriously, but then again maybe I just was not patient with him he had some problems of his own. He has long since married his partner & I do hope they are very well. I think where he was concerned our biggest issue was we didn't really listen to the other person. Then there was my (former) Best friend from wpg. who just stopped talking to me after I moved to Cold Lake, I ended up getting really angry at her & sending her a nasty letter saying that she never seemed interested in talking to me anymore. The letter was so nasty & I had also in the years since moving to BC have even sent old photographs of us back to her in the mail ( I had the address she last lived at & her grandparents still lived at that address) I was shocked to find that she emailed me in late april requesting to be my facebook friend and wanted to reconnect, I in past letters told her I was ok not speaking to her. & was shocked that she even wanted to talk to me much less be friends again! I accepted her friendship on facebook & we have since exchanged hotmail email addresses & msn each other sometimes...I think now I look back on it I was too harsh on her, some pple are not much for letter writing I have long since have gotten to be that way, Liz M has chatted with me on facebook & msn but hasn't been overly chatty, I have apologised for being such an idiot. but i think she is still hurt by what I have said previously. I quite admire her for still wanting to be a friend, because I don't think i have changed too much since high school, I'm still a childish, angry woman.Then there is another good friend I almost lost b/c of my anger, Danny, he has sinced forgiven me for biting his head off on facebook, but I still feel rather guilty for taking his joke the wrong way...It was a silly thing really, i can't even remeber what he said that upset me, thats how silly it was! I'm not sure how to improve myself & not take my feelings out on other pple & friends, I have discovered with my long months of thinking that alot of it was me. I have never been the person I wanted to be, I have always been stressed out & angry as long as I can remeber, I have been resentful of pple who have had it easier then me, the learning disablities & depression have made my life a living hell for me, I never want to use my bipolar or adhd & dyslexia

as a crutch & kept that part of me secret from my coworkers. I have been discriminated against by previous bosses, my exboss at the shipping company knew of my learning disabilities as well but it seemed to me just wanted to use the recession to get rid of me as an excuse I think for the most part his dislike for me was because I'm a woman & not so much my learning issues, which prb played a small part in him letting me go but I think me being the only woman was the reasons behind his actions. I only told him about my learning problems b/c back in Nov seemed fustrated with my progress & at that time I informed him that I did have a learning disability. I didn't want to really tell him anything about myself because he struck me as the type of person that would discriminate against someone, but at the same time I figured if he laid me off at that time full knowing that I had learning disabilty, he would be in hot water with human rights over that! He played his cards very well & held off until he had a better oppertunity to lay me off & made it look like the recession was to blame so he could be blameless.He had this planned out, he was grossly over staffed if it weren't for the recession, he would probably have ATS head office wanting him to get rid of pple to reduce cost,He didn't need to hire on that warehouse staff memeber & only hired him on so he can have his lap dog Ed in the office, he wanted him to do my job the whole time! He has the intelligence & empathy of a rat & I hope nothing but the worst for him! Worst of all I see that bastard riding around on his motorcycle since the weather has gotten warmer, he is the very last person I ever want to see again! I ran into that arrogant man at the ATMs part of the bank, a couple of months ago, he wore his stupid motorcycle helmet inside the building & looked like a complete ass! he is the only man I have ever known that can make leather & motorcycles look dorky! He looks like a jackass on that thing!

4 months later pt 2

My hate and resentment towards my ex-employer has not gone away, even though I decided to drop my grievance against him. I just want to move on with my life! & was finding it deperessing & hard that no one was taking my claim seriously! At the end of april I got a job offer at the call Center Maximus it started on the 11th, I got laid off that same friday, mostly b/c they expected me to learn too much too fast, I wasn't the only person let go & I did not feel it would of worked out very well it was full time training for 2 weeks then on call afterwards I don't think with my current job at the alarm company that I could make a serious go of it. I felt very bad at the time mostly because I have previous call center training & thought I should of gotten it. however their turn over is horrible & they seem to only hire causal to start & it would seem to me the only reason for this is so they can avoid paying into benifits. & with my ex call center they gave me 5 weeks of training to get it, I was at the bottom of the totem pole & was shock to this day I made it through the training at my call center & then went on to surrive working at what was rumored to be the worst place in Victoria to work at! I use to hate it as much as the next person who worked there, but I look back on it now & see it as it was, it wasn't a bad place they gave me a oppertunity & I took it! I learned from that place & got out of cleaning shitty hotel rooms for a living! it was an excellent job in some ways. My favorite qoute at the time when I worked there was this " This job would rock if it weren't for the fucking customers!" I really truely hated the clients we had to deal with. People with cell phones can be some of the worst people to deal with! But I made some really good friends & got some important skills that I didn't get in the college course I flunked out of! I always felt like people never really understood me or felt that I was dumb. I think the reason why I got so upset with Alec the person I fell in love with months ago, was because of his attitude when I got the pronunciation for Keating Cross rd wrong he flew off the handle & ripped into me about it, I think that he couldn't of really ever could accept who I'm and was not very interested in me what so ever, even if he did at some point change his mind & decided to ask me out I could never be with him. I hate myself for never really getting over my feelings for him! I have no idea why but I still have feelings for him, but I know, now that we would never be good together & I miss-read alot of his glances at me for, something else when we both worked at the shipping company, I think mostly because I was lonely & he was better looking then all the guys there and more intelligent I thought too much of him.I use to see him drive by my old job at H&R in his van back in feb, but haven't seen him since then. I did think I saw him last week before Maximus training, I was walking rather late on a friday and a white van pulled up to the curb. I was taking a picture of a flower & had my back turned to the street (photography is one of my hobbies) I turned around and saw the van, (couldn't see who was driving) the van suddenly spun around the corner & behind a apartment complex. I doubt Alec would do such a creepy ass thing and I couldn't tell who was driving of even if it was his van. the incident left me unnerved though, mostly because this town seems famous for creepy old men! & i have had some pretty creepy encounters lately with men.

I really wish I could be like a willow and be flexable to the winds of change but I'm not that person, I can never be that person. for many years I have avoided going to the doctor and be put on medications for my depression. mostly b/c I don't want to be numb I want to be able to understand things the learning disabilty has made things hard the drugs made things even harder in the past. I was also accused of having drug and alcohol problems from a trusted college instructor. I had mostly refused treatment because of what he said. I don't even like taking asprin & found it offensive he thought he knew me well enough to make any sort of judgements! The only reason why I was taking anything was because I was hit by a truck in sept of 04 so of course I was still in pain in dec of that same year. My back still bothers me & I still get bad headaches I mostly avoid taking anything for it even when it gets bad.& I don't complain about it mostly because my mom tends to go on about how I should of sued the driver for more money, As for the drinking, I have never been much of a drinker, I do enjoy beer, & only came to class hungover twice once because of college orientation & the other was months later at a work Christmas party. I never really drink to get drunk or drink my pain away. I prehaps over induldge at the time but had no right to judge me & did not know me at all or what I was really like! I have been thinking however that I should go on antidepressant. I worry I may end up like a cousin of mine who tried unsucessfully to end his own life or my mentally ill great uncle. I keep getting these horrible impulse to cut myself or throw myself infront of a truck. I think the only way I can be really over this and perhaps able to move on with my life and put the many years of disappointment behind me is if I sought help and go on a antidepressent. As much as I hate & can't really afford to. I have been writing for several hours now and I think I will close this chapter of my life for awhile. I don't know when my next entry will be.

Feb. 13th, 2009

Letter of Complaint-

Hello to my friends on LJ, here is a letter of complaint that I'm going to take to the labour board. In previous post you may of noticed I changed the peoples names but in this letter I'm posting today their orginal names and the name of the company is in this letter. I really think that my story should be told and I think that The boss should be repimended none of that is probably going to happend so I'm going to tell as many people as I can about my times spent at "The shipping Company"- Andlauer Transportations services.

I did ended up speaking to the driver I fell in love to this past  tuesday, I called him because Phil another driver told me that Alec also lost his job and provided me the  ph # I got up my nerve and called him. Alec   felt I should just move on & it was just business and no personal feelings were taken in at my dismissal, however Alec was not there and had no idea what happend and let this go, but I will do no such thing as letting this go.  I will be taking this complaint to the labour board as I said in the letter. On a personal note as for Alec he is too much of an elitist for me &  I really got the impression that he thought me as nothing more then some silly little girl and dumb phone monkey & that he may like looking at my clevage ass etc but I was not intelligent enough to engage him in any sort of intelligent conversation. I think that I'm over him and I don't feel any sort of need to contact him further I doubt he will contact me at any rate. I hate myself for still having feelings with a person who feels he is better then everyone else but I still do. He made it rather clear he thought himself better then everyone at work. To this day I still have no idea why I even like him, He has never really given me any reason what so ever to like him. He had treated me poorly previously made me feel stupid but yet like some wounded dog that gets beaten by some loveless master I still love him,despite him treating me badly. I want to cut that out of me but I know that taking the knife to my wrists will not relieve that from me and I will have to just grow on my own. As painful as it has been..... Sorry that bit about Alec is long, I may do a seprate post about that later because there was more said in our interaction that led me my final conculsion about Alec that has nothing to really do with this letter below.....

anyways as always thanks!

Letter of Complaint Feb,13 2009

I writing this letter of complaint due to the horrid treatment I received my six months of employment at (ATS) Andlauer Transportation Services, by Mr Brian Walker. I started at ATS July 24,2008. He never did a proper evaluation of my work and often made me feel like I could do nothing right. I tried several times to get to the root of the problem such as issues that he was unhappy with back in early Nov after a short conversation which I had to start (he is the boss but would never address me unless he really had to) on how I can improve I noticed his treatment towards me slightly improved. Then later that month he informed me that he was changing my position to be more as a CSR and I would no longer be doing the billing/snickering the boxes, and staging them to go out and light warehouse duties (I also had to perform as well as my CSR duties) and this other co-worker Edward Craig would be doing the billing/snickering the boxes and staging them to go out. Mr Walker gave me a new 1 new duty and changed Mr. Craig’s position to include warehouse, payroll and billing/snickering the boxes. At the time a driver who wishes to remain nameless thought that to be odd & said then oh I think Brian wants you out and have Ed replace you and do your job. I asked Brian at the time of the changes if that was his plan and he informed me no it was not (of course he is going to lie) & he was too thinly spread to be doing a lot of what Ed & I will now be doing and he as the branch manager needs to be doing more branch manager type work. ( I have no idea what that would be, the man only works 6 hrs a day & went on a 3 week holiday back in Jan) I still did not feel very good about the whole thing and felt that he was still up to something. In that time however I thought I would work my hardest and during my off time I would search for employment else where. In Dec before Christmas I noticed Brian’s attitude towards me gotten increasingly worst during that time & whenever I needed to ask him something which was not often he acted like I was always bugging him and would scowl at me. So I asked Brian how he thought I was doing with the new duty I had to perform ( it was tracking down missing proof of deliveries) & he told me he was too busy to notice (which again is a bit of a joke with the lack of hrs he does work) Several times in the 6 months I worked for him I would ask him if there was something that needed improvement or something more he wanted me to do and in all those cases he basically avoided the question. I also noticed in his treatment towards me that he liked me out side of the group, I was the only female at that particular branch & basically he wanted me not to be part of the group and segregated me that would mean leave me out of conversations and not tell me everything that was needed to be known. I felt often very alone and not very welcomed at ATS because of this. It always felt like I was not welcomed or part of things there and they would often “hang out” with each other and if I tried to be included I would be ignored. I remember on instance that really upset me. Both Craig and Walker were talking about the NIN concert that was coming to town back in Dec both saying they did not know when it was, I said I did (Dec 5) and they ignored me and continued with there conversation like I was not there. The place was very much a Boys club.

Later in the month of Dec Brian hired an additional warehouse staff member to replace Craig because he was now working the same hours I was and doing what I was originally hired on for and I continued to do CSR duties at the time I thought this was odd because Ron Kidd that did the morning warehouse along with another co-worker Dale said that there was not enough work for him alone and expressed surprise at the additional person not only was there not enough work in that position I barely had enough work to do myself during the day neither did Craig. The driver who originally came up with the notion that Brian was planning to replace me with Craig was constantly on my mind. But the months continued to roll by and I was still unsuccessful in obtaining work else where. At the time I did not want to believe that Brian Walker would be so calculating and would of done something soon after hiring the new person on. So I continued to work in oblivion while he planned to find some legal way to lay me off without getting in dutch with the labour board or upper management at ATS. He was probably forced by the upper management to lay someone off & instead of laying off one of his “buddies” he thought that if he made my job not as important by taking duties away and giving them to someone else he would be able to get rid of me that way and keep his best friend & lap dog Ed Craig and keep this new person who has less seniority then me because our positions at work are completely different. What Brian could of done but didn’t was lay the new guy off, & changed my & Craig’s job back to what they were when we both started. But because Brian did not like me and wanted some legal way to get rid of me he used the recession as an excuse to lay me off without getting his hands slapped by upper management or the labour board. Mr Walker is very cunning calculating and probably a closet sexist. ( he never said anything remotely sexist but his actions spoke louder then words & I always felt like a second class citizen at ATS) He knew that eventually upper management would see he had to many people and would make him get rid of someone he just used the recession as an useful excuse. I do hope that if he ever hires anyone on again that they do not get the same treatment that I received. The entire time I was there I felt I was there my work did not count and felt like I was not an important part of the group I expressed this to Mr. Walker at the time of dismissal and he said this was untrue which by the way I also want to say he is a horrible actor because I did not believe that for a second what he said his body language told another story. Mr. Walker was very cold towards me while telling me that I was no longer employed at ATS and when I said that I didn’t know what to do he just coldly said collect EI.

I was laid off last week on Friday and ATS made me wait to obtain my ROE and by Thursday I was getting annoyed that they were delaying the ei process, I called my old branch & asked about it Mr Walker then promptly gave me a long distance number to call for one of the main branch. (I should fee this company for the long distance call my phone plan doesn’t cover long distance calls.) I then talked to a Ms. Joanne Hamilton. She said she was imaging my roe so I can pick it up at the local branch, I informed her I had no desire to go to that branch or see Mr. Walker ever again. She asked why and I explained some of what happened she said he did everything legally that he did nothing wrong however Ms. Hamilton was not there the entire time and had no idea what I saw or how I was treated while working at ATS I always felt like I was never part of the group and my work was not essential. I doubt that this letter will go any further then me turning it in to the labour board and I doubt that Mr. Walker will get any sort of reprimand that he would more then deserve but I felt my story should be told and I will email this also to the head management of ATS as well as taking a copy to the labour board.

Feb. 8th, 2009

The worst weeks of my life part 2

Friday seemed like a good day the sun was shining  it was the end of the my work week @ the warehouse & I was in a generally good mood. I was trying my best to look busy on a slow day, my day would get suddenly worst @ 2:30pm when the boss whom I mentioned in previous posts I hate beyond all words & is the worlds biggest shit head douche bag there is. The whole time he was away I actually enjoyed my job & I decided even though I hated his weasley guts that I would work harder & just do my best b/c I was so far unsucessful in finding new work else where. I was not too observant  with what fuck face was doing locked up in his office everyday that week. I was still thinking about Alec it was really stupid really I should of noticed, I knew the whole time the call center was closing but this hit me out of left field! So when he called me into his office suddenly at 2:30pm my guts went to stone & my mouth became very dry & he told me b/c of the recession he had to "let me go" I burst into tears (like some whimp) breaking my no crying at work rule. ( I'm the only girl there & I didn't want to be some weak sister & its hard enough as it is without doin that) I told him that working for him was the worst mistake I have ever made & he never apperiated my work & it seemed like he was using this recession thing as an excuse to get rid of me he denied it & said that he noticed my work & I was working harder,& said no its the recession & I think I mocked him  & said oh its the recession....the recession! not that you alway thought that I was useless & never had any use for me. I worked hard & you never even noticed anything I did, & when I asked you told me you were spread too thin! wtf you work 6hrs a day & you go on vaction for weeks how can you even claim you were over worked! You always treated me like a 2nd hand citizen & I never felt part of the group & that is horrible I always felt more at home @ The call center & that place was a evil fucking faceless corporation, I also said that it was very much a boys club there & no one even tried to make me feel welcomed. I can't remeber exactly what I said to him he just regarded me with those souless blue eyes, I think I may of called self absorbed & some other horrid things. He tried to offer me a ride home & I said I didn't want to be anywhere near him why would I want a ride I rather take the bus! *Brad the boss was such a heartless sob when i sobbed I had no idea what I was goin to do he just said coldly collet ei & left the room, I really hope his balls rot off fr having sex with all those call girls he probaly slept with while on vietnam! (why else would anyone go there?) I held on to alot of what was making me angry about the place until then & it came out then I didn't bother asking if they would hire me back on when things got better, even then I didn't want to come back & I still don't want to go back if he called me on monday & tried to offer me my job back I would take it back only b/c I need the money, & I would quit with out giving me 2 weeks notice b/c he never had the decency to do that for me if I were to find another job. vengence is a dish best served ice cold & I do hope that I will get a chance to get back at him! I'm going to go to the labor board with my grievance & see where it goes fr there. I cried all the rest of the day & spent most of my time on the phone with my mom & my friends Brent & then Elizabeth. When I started my 1st shift @ H&R I was so over tired fr lack of sleep I didn't get a wink of sleep the night before and layed in bed listening to music & staring at the ceiling wondering what the fuck I was going to do! despite not having very much money & being fried fr lack of sleep I went out partying saturday night to get my mind off of what happend on friday.. It worked I actually went the whole time not breaking down in tears! I kept having to go to the washroom @ H&R b/c I would start crying for no reason while behind the desk! The boss who comes across as stressed out & over worked but nice, was thrilled when I asked her if I could work more hrs during the week evenings, I didn't tell her I got laid off fr my full time job I didn't think she needed to know that. not to mentioned I need my days to look full time for another job, I pray that I get a job & I'm not working for some apathetic asshole like Brad who never told me whether I was doing good & would only tell me when he was unhappy with something I was doing, he was never helpful & sometimes when I got stuck & really needed a hand he wouldn't help & had a you figure it out approch which isn't always good b/c some of the issues were out of my sphere of experince, a few times I felt like grabbing my shit & walking out on him. He always wanted to do little as possible I have no doubt with me gone he will prb give all my old duties to *Al & still expect him to do his duties as well I do hope that Al* quits on him b/c I think him being totally bum fucked would be funny! But then again *Al is Brad's lap dog & they always had a very good friendship it would seem. What always got me wondering about Brad's management skills was that everyone of his drivers (except Alec who never spoke of Brad) hated Brad very much & thought his management skills needed much work & how he should not be anyones boss b/c he has as much personable skills as the pallets we used to stack boxes on! I'm so happy that there is so many other pple who hated him more then I did & he has no idea that he is thought of as a douche bag! he prb would not care if he did know b/c he is so self abosrbed & self indulgent that to care would take too much time out of his day & him going on vacation to exotic locals & prb fucking the whores in those countries.

Saturday at the new job was very boring & my brain was else where much of the day I'm scared that I barely managed to remeber a thing! Even though I know that I could never be with Alec I kept hoping to see him all day saturday I couldn't also help but think wtf is wrong with me & that I maybe mentally ill! Even when I was out having a good night at the bars me & Elizabeth wondered off to I kept hoping to see him in one of those places, we never did & he prb would never hangout at the 2 places we ended up going too they had an under 25 feel to them...I noticed times where I was being checked out but with the stress of losing my job & these odd feelings about Alec I had no desire to try & talk to any of the drunk men that I saw. we went to sprono's-sp & the bouncer waved the cover charge b/c Liz use to work there & he reconized her & she got 2 beers @ one point for the price of one it totally rocked this hot black guy invited us to sit with him & what I took to be his equally hot gf, it turned out he was prb in his mid 40s & had a daughter who just turned 21, they both were very friendly so I had no prb joinin them when Liz was up karoking-something she could not convice me to do! I hate the sound of my own voice & I know i cant sing, Liz has a deeper voice then I thought she did, she sounded great singing both songs she went to do, I thought it was odd with the young black couple b/c @ 1st I thought they were together & I noticed him checking me out & I was like omg she doesnt care? & she kept looking too but with no angry looks or anything just a friendly looks & they waved me over & I ended up joing them & then Liz got back & we just had alot of fun drinking with the 2 of them, & we were both surprised the man was old enough to have a 21 yr old daughter! but then again so would Alec...he could of easily had kids in his 20s but it seemed to me that he never really got close to anyone & its kinda sad about him really..I remeber him saying To (the other *Al) on that horrible friday that his new gf totally ripped into him about something that she shouldnt of really ripped into him about & I hoped that it meant he was reconidering her. I must have no self esteme for wanting a man that would never want me. Maybe if I felt better about myself I wouldn't want a person who made me feel so bad about myself & incomplete....

Well there is prb something I want in this post but I can't seem to remeber if I do I will post more later....

Feb. 6th, 2009

The worst weeks of my life

I will start at the begining & hopefully try not to sound completely nuts the time that the boss was away was the best time I have ever had @ my job as you already know I really hated my job (past tense was laid off but will get to that later)  I'm going to start off what happend in Jan, while the horrid boss was away I developed feelings I never knew I had for a driver named Alec,despite being treated like I was stupid by Alec in early january he finally got me talking again & he prb thought was nothing more then harmless flirting I took more seriously, I was in conflict the whole time mostly b/c of his treatment towards me that one friday over the fact there is no S in Keating Cross road... I Came to the conclusion that friday night that I didn't want to be with someone like that, I was very upset that night & ended up going out for a beer with my friend Brent (who is nothing more then a friend & someone I could always count on!) He and everyone else told me that Alec was not worth it, & in the weeks that followed I tried to ignore Alec & just do my job but, somehow Alec was able to get me talking again & we would flirt (which was prb revolting to anyone in ear shot)  say the dumbest things to each other, I think that this one driver David figured this whole thing out b/c we did flirt in front of him on I think Tues of last week, I can't remeber the exact day, but I do remeber that I was getting odd looks from him all that week & someone ask me if I had a thing for him, I didn't deny it. Alec would say nothing but would oftain stare at me a long time whenever he came in from his routes  I have always been to shy myself & never really been comfortable around men (despite being friends with mostly men & working @ a place of business where I was the only girl)  During this time I ended up getting a parttime job @ H&R Block and met a very nice girl name liz who I ended up becoming fast friends with from the 4 evening  training courses to prepare us for working at H&R ( right after working at the shipping comp I would go to traing 4days last week for 3 hrs making for a long days) & she agree with my good friend Brent that Alec wasn't worth it and my ongoing crush for this man was very unhealthy but regardless I was smitten & hated myself for still liking him, in reality I was flirting with disaster b/c on the Friday of last week he came out with oh I have a girl friend. What got him to admitting that he had a gf was told by H&R that will get 5 discount cards for I think 20% off taxes for family & friends, he @ 1st happily accepted my offer for one of the certifcates to get a discount on his taxes, For some odd reason I noticed he was blushing ( I had no idea grown men did that still) & then out of the blue he was like oh I have a gf who is accountant who prb could do this for me, its prb too soon to ask though we just started dating. I was shocked, & I tried to very unsucessfully hide my disappointment & anger, I don't remeber what I said to him but I end up going back to what I was doing before, which was stickering the shipment that came in, I was alone I don't do the billing or stickering thats actually (the other Al's) job but he wanted off early to see his sister who was in town so that left me alone with all the work which was fine by me b/c I left early the week previous for H&R block training. The pervy chinese driver came in & was being his usual annoying self & was in the upstairs office asking Alec alot of annoying questions, Alec was still trying to flirt with me even with stupid Phan there I was going to have none of that, though, & basically Phan brought up Alec's failure to clear, confirm all pick ups  & his failure to pick up at a reg cust of ours the last friday, I never told Alec why he had to start clearing I just asked him to start doing that so we can make sure everything is covered but I didn't want to get into an argument with this self absorbed man, he prb would deny that I even called him for that particular pick up so I just informed him he had to from now on clear which he had been doing I made the mistake of saying to him I can't babysit every driver every moment of the day (that day I asked to start clearing)& I just need you all to do this at the end of the day, He then said oh do I get milk & cookies from the babysitter & I was like no you get a spanking! I should of just kept my mouth shut but I didn't.
Anyways he said it again when Phan started bugging him about missing pick ups later that same friday& he was like oh I did not & I said yes you did & named the company he should of picked up for
he then turned around & used that same flirting thing that we did all week long I mentioned previously, & asked if he would get a spanking @ that I said I'm not touching you or anyone else here for that matter & get your gf to do that for u if you get off on that sort of thing, Phan literly killed himself laughing,Alec quickly said oh we are new in the relationship & implied he wasn't sure about it yet.. there was another incident where Alec tried to flirt or tease in that same convo & I just snapped oh thats enough out of you! & refuse to engage in further discussion, I could hear more of Phan talking but I could barely make out what was being said, Then Phan started gaging & going oh my god you farted uggg (or something to that effect to Alec) CHRISTA! I'm going to have to open the warehouse door & the front door he is stinking up the room I know your always cold but this stinks!  I have bad allergies & Alec did that upstairs, (there is a 3 step stair case to get fr the other office to the one I was sitting in) so I couldn't smell it thank god, I don't like it when pple are vulgar like that & the men @ the shipping company I use to work at were mostly perverts & pigs they had the worst manners I have ever seen on co-workers! Alec I guess was mild in comparison but & very quiet most of the time he was still a guy tho & I honestly think he did that to clear the room of the most annoying Phan, he did that previously & rumoured to have cleared the room, but never did that when I was in the room, just normally would hear about it, I did hear Alec breaking wind fr where I was sitting in the lower office, & snapped oh thats attractive! Phan left shortly there after out of revoltion. I went up stairs again to continue stickering the shipment I just billed, the smell at that time was gone so I didn't smell what Alec did thankfully, Alec was still up in the upper office area, & asked me when I get off I muttered 6pm not making eye contact & continued back into the warehouse. He told me he was going home for the night as I entered back into the warehouse & I let the door slam shut.

I think one of the other drivers came back when Alec & Phan was back & he had the military shipment with him that I needed to bill & was around somewhere in the warehouse & I know David was lurking around @ that time as well b/c at some point (before I slammed the door like a child) Alec & David closed the office door to the warehouse, I have a hearing imparment & can not hear very well so I wouldn't be able to hear the phone ring if it did from the warehouse & I remeber opening the door & snapping at the both of them for the love of god keep this door open, I'm the csr & I have to field the calls & if a call comes in & gets missed or someone tries to take a call who doesn't know what they are doing who do you think gets blamed! They both stopped talking and stared at me.
Alec prb thought I was demented later b/c I slammed the door going back into the warehouse after I told him to leave it open much earlier.

finally I got all the stuff billed stickered & was begining to wrap up my day, when the phone rang at 5:30pm I reconized Alec's voice on the other end but was confused to why he called I could hear him laugh I think & then say oh I pushed re-dial thinking I was ringing up a buddy's ph #  I said ok & hung up not allowing him to say anything else, the phone rang imdiately afterwards but it was a customer this time that almost got "WHAT ALEC!" Alec didn't call back though.I felt like Alec was playing mind games with me something I always hated games, this time instead of calling up a friend & going to a bar to drink away my woe I just went home angry & very tired I ended up telling my two friends later about this & they were very nice about it but they both prb knew I should of let this man alone, who never had feelings for me.

Both my friends later thought based on what I told them that Alec was probably socially akward & may of had a thing for me a well but was too scared to say so I will never know & after what he did on Friday of last week I had no interest in him. It still bugged me b/c the younger of the 2 warehouse staff memebers kept bring up this gf Alec had & got the general response I DON'T CARE WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!
all this week I was very cold towards Alec, & only spoke to him when it was nessary such as dispatching calls mostly & the odd work related stuff I had to say to him, he noticed this new attitude but said nothing & seemed to be ignoring me right back he still would stop to glance at my cleavage when he walked by my desk but usually when I looked up would say ok bye, & I would mutter something back at him from my book, (it had gotten really slow this last week) & this was after the boss went home.
my attitude continued like this until thurs when I realized it was stupid & it was just harmless flirting. On that day one of the drivers brought in dounuts all the good ones were taken, I was still angry at Alec, & when they asked if I was going to take one? I said no b/c there was nothing I wanted in that box like this room, Alec, was in the room at the time right beside the box of donuts & gave me a rather hurt look that I ignored, I flipped my hair & then said "with that I'm out of here I have work to do!" I was still talking back and forth to the head warehouse guy when I noticed I forgotten to grab coffee like I intended to at the nearby coffee shop, Alec then said well if your nice to me for once I maybe will get you a cup of coffee, I said (un-sympathicaly) Oh did I hurt your feelings? at some point? He left with his lips pursed & I didn't get the coffee. Due  to my nasty remark. I ended up just walking the short distance to the coffee shop shortly after he left not thinking I could survive a day caffeine free. I was told by both my sister & my new friend not to be such a bitch to him b/c being like that maybe concidered bullying, not that some of things we said back and forth to each other couldn't get us in enough trouble already I told both of them, where as I may wear low cut shirts infront of him, (when everyone else was around I would wear a sweat jacket or cardigan over my shirts b/c as I said before they were all dogs) & part of me wanted to torment Alec, & be cold & stand offish at the same time I still did my job I wasn't saying nasty things to him except on thursday when I said it to the room @ large, he wasn't the only one in the room when I made that nasty comment. I was basically just business with him.

Both my friends that I mentioned earlier said that he prb did have some feelings for me & possibly only mentioned this gf real or fake to see how upset/jealous I would get. I have no idea & prb will never know what Alec was playing at & I doubt he knew the true extent of my feelings for him. Mostly b/c I doubt I will ever see him again which is prb a good thing really I need to get over him & I have been obessesing at an unhealthy level. On The last Friday I will ever work at the shipping company I was nice to Alec when he said something to me I made eye contact & when he said goodnight @ 1:30ish pm I actually smiled & told him you too & have a good night. If I knew I was never going to see him again & that I was being stupid with my silly highschool girl crush on him I wouldn't of treated him so badly this week if I knew that this was going to happend!

There was alot of mistakes I think I made now I think back on it with this whole Alec thing, I remeber back in Nov when i claimed to everyone (except to my douche bag boss) that I was gay, which is not true, (not really I'm Bi-curious) I only said that so pervy Phan would leave me alone he at the time was making continious derogative remarks towards me, & I wanted him to leave me alone, & as racist as this sounds but chinese men it seems don't like (maybe even fear gay pple) knowing this I told him that one night & he got this shock look & left shortly there after.I then decided to tell everyone that rumor even Alec so I would just generally be left alone. I had no idea I had any feelings for him, I seldom even talked to him he was just part of the job another man that came in that I had to basically babysit. I did like him only slightly better then most of the drivers but he did really annoy me when he would come in @  6pm-7pm b/c I was normally suppose to be out by 6:30pm & he would be late & that would really piss me off & alot of times he wouldn't clear (confirm all pick ups), b/c I was new & he seldom said much of anything in those days I was too shy to tell him off over these annoyances. The other drivers told him for me.  About coming back @ a decent time not the clearing, it was not until weeks before my lay off I finally asked him to start doing that! There were probably too subtle hints that he may have some feelings for me that I never picked up on I remeber way back before he started driving. ( he got hired on in oct I believe) but had a hard time getting financed on a vehicle at the time & I completely forgot about him until he came in for the Dangerous goods I think that was in Nov. Anyways I remeber the course was suppose to be 3 hrs or something but was much shorter & we all ended up going to Radar's Roost for breakfast, Alec offered me a ride home afterwards and I didn't realized until January that he drove me completely out of his way, he lived off of The Pat bay hwy & I didn't know this until *Al (the warehouse guy) told me. Perhaps he was coming into town anyways maybe I'm making too much of this, I didn't know him at the time & I was not really looking at anyone @ the warehouse I was too overwhelmed with work & the boss was fastly becoming a horrific prick. Its really too late to think about this so I'm going to go on with the second half of my story...friday. which will be continued into a new entry.....

Jan. 23rd, 2009

Last Week ([poem)

I feel so stupid today, I still like you no matter what you had said to hurt me

My friends all say move on you’re not worth it and I hate myself for being so

Weak in the first place! I wish I could stop these feelings, cut whatever it is

That makes me like you but I can’t seem to do that. I feel so stupid for not

Hating you but I can’t seem to make myself feel that way. I feel tormented by what

Could have been. I will never know and neither will you! I will move on and try

To forget how cruel you were to me last week. I feel so stupid because you probably never felt the same way you had no idea and I will just move on.

Jan. 20th, 2009

This & that.....

Well its been a few days since I last posted, I'm over the Alec issues, he is a jerk & I don't think I even want to be friends with someone like that! I totally ignored him yesturday & when I had to call him with dispatches he had to go to I was curt towards him & hung up the phone the moment the info was relayed, & refused to make eye contact with him, he must of knew something was up & didn't talk to me yesturday either when he would come in for his second & third run, he gave me an odd look a few times as he was leaving or entering but I pretended I was working hard (not really)

Today I ended up talking to him b/c he asked how my new pt job was @ H&R block, as a responist, told him, I think... I was in training, can't remeber, I was goin to prb avoid speaking him today too, luckly the conversation was short b/c the ph rang it was another driver... while on the ph he accidently brushed up against me while he was getting something that was on the desk above my head (the desk has a shelving unit built into it)  wasn't sure if it was an accident or on purpose..prb reading too much into the accidental contact, however he could of waited for me to move or asked me to by tappin me on the shoulder instead....not sure...

I guess he went off to the lunch room to do his paper work, b/c thats were he was when I went to get my lunch, He must not be that impressed with me either, b/c he offered to leave so I can eat my lunch in there (the room is very small but does have two tables) I said no & I didn't like how cold the room was & then left....

The 1st day of training was yesturday for H&R block, I have training on thurs & fri as well, I think Alec was late on purpose last nite knowing that it was my 1st day of training for the new job which took place @ 6:30pm & was across town, he was an hr late coming into the office & called wanting to know if it was ok to be in late i said no b/c I had to go to my other job, Ed said he would stay behind to lock up tho, he has a key but left it @ home, Dale had to stay behind with him with his key & wait for stupid head. I would of been 2hrs late if I would of waited for Alec, the other job knew I was goin to be late anyways I told them in the interview i would prb late for training every nite due to the other job, they hired me anyways... the days the need me for weekends, I won't be b/c I don't work @ the shipping comp those days, & the interviewer said that she understood that I had other work & that I would just need to call them & tell them I would be late they are quiet flexable due to the fact other pple have lives & that this is only seasonal until tax season is over, I hope to survive that long! they seem like a good place to work for none the less the trainer seemed nice & it was a nice change to be in a room dominated by women! there was only one man in the room. despite being late I didn't miss much it was just orientation the real work is the on thurs & friday I guess, they gave me some reading material so I hope tomarrow isn't too busy b/c I think I will read the booklets tomarrow they gave me, they are short ones so I can prb read them twice once tomarrow if i have time & maybe thurs before class so i don't look like a dumb ass & unprepaired! I talked to *Al & he agreed to close up shop on Thurs & Friday, I haven't really given *Al alot of credit previously, he seems like a nice guy... just very quiet....

which reminds me, we found out I think on thurs of last week about the fact that the shipping industry is getting hit hard by the ecomony (not as many pple shoppin @ walmart & zellers) & that pple aren't getting raises & there will be a pay freeze, but no lay offs that really pissed me off b/c I thought that I was screwed again for my pay raise, it turns out so was *Al , Phan as I already knew previously is full of shit, I don't know why I let him take me for a ride but, I kinda believed him when he told me *Al got a raise, when I said to *Al well u got your raise so I guess your not going to be screwed by this, he turned around & said no I didn't, & I was like oh well you got your eval in Nov, but I guess he didn't get the raise, b/c he said no, & I was like Oh, well Phan said that when you got your eval that when he asked u about the raise you couldn't talk about it, he shook his head & said Phan is full of shit. & said nothing more about it... I don't know if Phan was actually right about this & *Al is lying or vice a versa, *Al never gave me any indication of dis-honesty but Phan has time & time again & so has Brad the boss who has been away for several days now. He may of just told *Al not to say anything but why say to Phan I can't talk about it, doesn't make sense, I think Phan just guess accurately just to cause shit, but knows nothing....there is no way of knowin really

Its gettin late & even tho i don't have to work the long hrs I did on monday I should really get off to bed, I think I'm coming down with a cold....

Jan. 16th, 2009

Hurt emotionally & Fustrated!

Ok he doesn't like me....He thinks I'm stupid...I for some odd reason add a s to the end of some words making it pural instead of singular. Even tho I have worked on the same street for 2 yrs & now I work on a street off of it I add a S to Keating.. so I say Keatings instead of the correct Keating, anyways I was given instruction to a consignee how to get to our location & added the S without realizing...its more of a constant tick then anything, I don't really understand why I do that... Well he hands me a scrap of paper with the name of the street written on it & ask me to say the name I say it, I give him a puzzled look & do so, he says no thats wrong say it again, I do again he says nope wrong! finally I get annoyed & poked him in the arm & said are you making fun of me? He says no but how your saying the name of the street is wrong ( he could of just said hey Chris? do you know when you say Keating Cross rd that there is no S in it, you add an S for some reason figured you would like to know b/c it may confuse pple, but no had to be very rude about it!) Anyways I'm still trying to be casual & not angry about his arogance... He said that he was an english teacher previously & that he is picky about the proper pronuciation-sp?-(yeah I'm dumb I don't even know if I spelt it right!) of words ( So what he has an education, so that means it gives him licence to treat pple like they are dumb? & not to mention he must of not been that great of a teacher concidering the fact he is now a driver for some 3rd rate shipping company no one has ever heard of!) Anyways when he said he was a teacher previously, I was getting into a bit of a snit about him treating me stupid, & I turned around & said oh that explains the snotty attitude b/c I added an S to some road. He became ruder still, can't remeber what was said. I said well this is cleary pissing you off & I got to help *Al with getting the shipments stickered & on pallets, He said it wasn't pissing him off or something & then explained b/c it would confuse some pple if they typed the word into map quest or something (could of said that in the 1st place! Instead of talking down to me!)  So I went back to helping *Al, I had to leave *Al again to awnser the ph (its mosly my job, its what they hired me for, I'm one part CSR,another Data entry, & when I dont have that to do I'm suppose to help *AL.) I did the S thingy again, he commented on it again, he got another snarkier remark fr me I can not recall what I said. Said I was funny b/c I do that everytime....I went back to *Al to assist him with the mountain amt of boxes that needed to go out, Kept thinking the ph was ringing, thinking I heard the ph ring the lazy drivers keep the warehouse door open much of the time letting in the cold air into the office & freezing me the one time I want the door open they kept closing it! So prob out of paranoia I kept thinking the ph was ringing...  anyways I came in prb twice thinking I was hearing it... *Phan (who is rude & lazy in the 1st place) turned around & said can't you tell the difference between the beep of a fork lift & a telephone ring. That really set me off even tho Alec didn`t say it, I turned around & said I may miss-pronounce words but there is not anything wrong with my ears I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SOUND OF A PH RINGING & A FORK LIFT BACK UP WARNING BEEP! Alec said something to poor *Phan, who was clueless to what happend earlier, he just came in. I didn`t quite hear what he said, I slammed the door & went back into the warehouse.

I ignored Alec for the rest of the time he was at the warehouse...

I should of started at the beginning of this story I only went over what really bothered me, I was blatenly flirtatious with him,  earlier before his rudeness about the misprouncation of Keating, we were in the warehouse weighing boxes for *Al he at some point, while we were weighing up boxes for *Al he said he could go for 12 beers & I was flirting (to the best of my ability at him, I`m horrid at flirting!) anywho the flirtations either went unnoticed or ignored!

I don't know why I'm attracted to unobtainable self involved men, I never felt so low before, but then again I never really felt anything for anyone previously I tend to keep everyone out, So I'm no better then Alec really... With his attitude his overeaction to something so mundane & stupid as a mispronounsation to a street & the way it made me feel afterwards I think that it is for the best that nothing came to be what if his abusiveness didn't come out until later what if for whatever reason he wasn't so wrapped up in his own self that something did transpired & later he did something like that in the relationship, then we broke up then had to work with each other anyways..? its not like i seem him all 8hrs of my day but it would not be a good work relationship there after not that its prb goin to be a good one now, being the way I'm I will prb give him the cold shoulder the rest of my employment there.

after the upsetting day I didn't want to stay home & convinced my (platonic friend) Brent to hang out with me @ a pub he doesn't drink so I felt a bit like a lush (even tho I don't drink very much anymore) He thought maybe I was being too harsh on Alec about one thing but he did say that his method of telling me was flawed & very insensitive, I told Brent that I had no longer any interest in trying to persue the snobby self important driver named Alec, Brent still thinks that I harbor feelings, he prb is right but I hate myself for still feeling anything for Alec, I feel very tired & unhappy and stiff fr over exercising yet again today... all I want to do is sleep & I'm not very hungry.....I
went shopping for new bras and sunglasses today in hopes to cheer myself up & in facted needed both (all my sunglasses broke b/c I tend to jam them into an over stuffed purse & the bras that I have don't fit well due to weightloss) The shopping didn't do it for me tho & I feel still sad....

Jan. 14th, 2009


Oh I feel like just like a sad little school girls these days, I never really had much feelings for the opposite sex, I finally found someone that I feel for but I doubt that he feels the same way about me he barely acknowledged my existance today! I felt bad for him b/c he did say that he felt sick with the flu earlier today (spent a really long time in the loo) anyways, when he finally finished the same thing happend today as yesturday stupid ass other drivers congerated around my desk, he being very shy & aloof did his thing & left again... He said he was feeling better since he came in @ 1pm-ish so I felt kinda hopeful that maybe we could get talking or something set up a coffee date or soemthing! but he then said he had a boring night of laundry chores ahead of him & left.... So with him saying that he had laundry to do it made me think that he rather be doing that then talking to me... so I guess maybe I'm just lonely! I don't know...This whole experince has left me depressed and wanting him to stay longer! I feel sad when he leaves & happy when he comes in to the warehouse.... I feel very silly! :(

Jan. 12th, 2009

I'm I love with someone who prb doesn't feel the same way about me! :'(

Ok this is stupid....uggg I have feelings for one of the drivers @ my work...didn't even know i had feelings for him until recently, he isnt one of the creepy old guys there he is younger, about 40 yrs old kinda nerdy ackward but very cute! I didn't want to have feelings for anyone @ work! but I cant help it I have feelings for Alec! I'm soo royaly pissed off @ myself b/c I have this strick no shitting where I eat policy!  & now I have these feelings! uggg so very fustrating! not to mention I doubt he even notices me in that way! :(  he prb sees me as a nerdy little sister type! not to mention I told everyone @ work I was gay...(I'm actually just Bi curious) I told them that mostly b/c I wanted to freak 2 pple out, my boss & this pervert name *Phan. Well little did I know then I would fall for another driver....hmmm Alec.... he prb would think my motives behind doing that as inmature anways & wouldnt be interested in someone that is that childish...I really shot myself in the foot doing that!

I guess I will just have to live with the fustration!

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